I Will Die If I Don't Get Laid! 

I received very interesting question over Facebook this past week. A Be Sex Smart Facebook page follower sent me the following question: Alicia, Scientists and sex therapists consider sex as important as food and water? Maslovian important?

This is a terrific question! This question goes to the core concept of an innate sexual drive.  Sex drive, libido, and desire are sometimes used interchangeably. These terms describe someone’s urge to have sex or how they respond to a present sexual stimulus. However, I’m going to answer this question as it relates to what we describe in psychology as survival or primary drives. Basically, a drive is seen as an instinctual and biologically-based motivation to address a life or death situation. For example, eating satisfies hunger. If we did not have hunger, would we eat anything? And if we didn’t, we would starve to death. That’s an example of a survival drive. When these survival drives are not met, like with hunger, our bodies have strong reactions to tell us we need to eat. Basically, our bodies are telling us through these sensations that we are on the road to starving to death.

The question sent to me asked if sex rises to that level. The answer is no. We won’t die if we don’t get laid. In the past, it was a common belief that the sex drive was considered an appetitive drive, which is a really strong biologically-based urge. But as we continue to go into depth with the study of sexuality, were finding out this just is not be true. Let me explain.

If we had a sex drive, either appetitive or survival-based, then all human beings would feel spontaneous sexual desire. The research tells us that this just is not true. Before everyone goes crazy with sending me emails about how I don’t know anything, let me explain. There are two types of sexual desire. One is spontaneous sexual desire and the other is responsive sexual desire.  Spontaneous desire is just that, desire felt spontaneously. It comes out of the blue and unexpectedly hits you like a Mack truck. Responsive desire is the desire that is borne out of something that’s happening, usually something erotic. But here’s a piece of information that we really don’t talk much about when we talk about sex. Research tells us that about 70% of men and maybe 20% of women experience spontaneous sexual desire. Therefore, many men and a large number of women feel desire in response to a sexual stimulus. This means they don’t usually experience walking down the street and suddenly getting a wave of sexual desire for no reason. (Ok, for you guys out there…. Yes, walking down the street and your jeans rubbing against your penis in that feel-good way can cause sexual desire. However, that’s an example of responsive sexual desire. It’s also called a reflexogenic erection.)

Then there is a segment of the population who identify as asexual. Sexologist, sex researchers, sex therapist, and those who study human behavior know that asexuality is just one of the many different sexual orientations. While it’s rare, it’s not an illness. So, if sex were as critical to one’s survival as eating, staying warm, or breathing, then asexuality would be considered a life-threatening condition. Spoiler alert: It’s not!

While we won’t die if we don’t get laid, sex can be a big deal for us. Sex can certainly be a critical factor in your life and at the same time that one thing doesn’t have to define you. And, I also know that when one thing is off, it can have a domino effect. So, I encourage each of you to ask yourself: How important is sex to me? We’ve all seen articles extolling the virtues of having great sex and what happens when we miss it. That’s great, but what’s really important is how you are feeling about your own sexuality. If you are struggling with sex or sexuality, I encourage you to reach out to professional. This can be a sex therapist, a physician, or even an sex educator. And, if you have any general questions about sex and sexuality, please send them to me. Who knows? Maybe your question might make it on Be Sex Smart!